Martial Arts Magazine Australia

by Sheryl Sumugat

I took off my gi and breathed a sigh of relief. I had only been doing Jiu Jitsu for less than a month. I still hadn’t gotten used to being pinned on the mat. The session was finally over, and I didn’t feel any wiser. The woman sitting across from me noticed the frustration on my face. Unlike me,she had been doing it for years. Small talk ensued. I told her some days my mind just couldn’t grasp the techniques, and she said, “But you enjoy it, right?”

My husband introduced me to Jiu Jitsu. It’s the love of his life. As a joke, I had a shirt made for him that says, “I love my family…but not as much as Jiu jitsu.” I’ve always found it boring and too technical. Jiu Jitsu is not a spectator sport, unlike boxing or Muay Thai. It took me a long time to finally give it a go, and it wasn’t because of him. I bet some of my friends think I’m doing Jiu Jitsu to impress him or because he had finally convinced me to. He never did.
I was doom scrolling when I came across a triggering article. The home my husband and I work so hard to build is safe and happy, but I used to live in one where I had to walk on eggshells. Although it was a long time ago, it went on for several years. Riddled with unprocessed trauma, I can get triggered by the simplest things. And when I do, I freeze. The few times my father almost hit me, I never tried to run or fight. I just froze like a punching bag, waiting to be annihilated. It got so bad I contemplated suicide at one point. It went on for a long time until my dad got cancer. He did change, and the bond was repaired, but the damage was done.

It’s never easy revealing a painful past and I do not enjoy talking negatively about my dad, but it is what it is. The main reason I put on a gi and get on the mat is because I am still that vulnerable young person. I realised I had been dealing with it all through repression. The past can creep up on us when we least expect it. When it does, I want to be prepared. I want to be able to do something other than freeze.

I still haven’t gotten to where I consider Jiu jitsu to be a hobby. To me, it’s mandatory like P.E., and I was never good at it. When the nice lady asked if I enjoyed it, I replied, “Nah.” I don’t enjoy it. I’d much rather paint or do some gardening. She then asked, “Then why do you do it?” I simply replied,“Because it’s a good skill to learn.” I couldn’t tell her that it’s because the young version of me who was stuck in an abusive home still needs to be saved.

I show up at least once a week at the gym despite not having enough sleep for the young girl that felt helpless. Someday it will get easier, and I will start enjoying it as much as the lady I was talking to. Someday I will do it because it’s fun. In the meantime, it’s because it’s part of my healing, even if it’s hard and uncomfortable. You can’t freeze when you’re about to get choked. To survive, movement is vital but so is breathing and taking a moment to think and not just react out of fear or impulse. This is what Jiu Jitsu has taught me. It is intense yet calming. It is a practice of staying calm in the face of danger. To a traumatized brain like mine, it is medication without its negative side effects. And as I type in these thoughts,I came into the realisation that I am starting to love it.